The Girl

My daughter (The Girl) is growing up to be too much like me.  I am both proud and scared.  Proud because she has an awesome sense of humor.  Scared because it looks like some day she’ll be more sarcastic and daring than I am!!

The other day while we were out shopping and spotted this shirt and INSISTED on buying it.


I love it and would have bought it for myself if I had seen it first!!


Then she begged me to buy her this kitten shirt.  So not me.  Way better!!


So much awesome in such a little package.  I’m glad she picked me out of all of the possible parents in the world!!




This is one of my all time favorites … and an oh so accurate a representation!!!


Test 1

Women: to prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag chair down the front. Leave it there for 9 months. After 9 months remove 5% of the beans.

Men: to prepare for paternity, go to a local chemist, tip the contents of your wallet onto the counter and tell the pharmacist to help himself. Then go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office. Go home. Pick up the newspaper and read it for the last time.

Test 2

Find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels and how they have allowed their children to run wild. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child’s sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners and overall behavior. Enjoy it. It will be the last time in your life that you will have all the answers.

Test 3

To discover how the nights will feels:

  1. Walk around the living room from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 12 lbs, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly.
  1. At 10pm, put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight and go to sleep.
  1. Get up at 12pm and walk the bag around the living room until 1am.
  1. Set the alarm for 3am.
  1. As you can’t get back to sleep, get up at 2am and make a cup of coffee.
  1. Go to bed at 2.45am.
  1. Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off.
  1. Sing songs in the dark until 4am.
  1. Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up when it goes off.
  1. Make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years.


Test 4

Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems:

  1. Buy a live octopus and a string bag.
  1. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that no arms hang out.
  1. Time allowed for this: 5 minutes.

Test 5

Forget the BMW and buy a practical 5 door wagon. And don’t think that you can leave it out on the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don’t look like that.

  1. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment.
  1. Leave it there.
  1. Get a coin. Insert it into the CD player.
  1. Take a box of chocolate cookies; mash them into the back seat.
  1. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.

Test 6

Get ready to go out

  1. Wait
  1. Go out the front door
  1. Come back in again
  1. Go out
  1. Come back in again
  1. Go out again
  1. Walk down the front path
  2. Walk back up it
  1. Walk down it again
  1. Walk very slowly down the road for five minutes.
  1. Stop, inspect minutely and ask at least 6 questions about every piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect along the way.
  1. Retrace your steps
  1. Scream that you have had as much as you can stand until the neighbors come out and stare at you.
  1. Give up and go back into the house.
  1. You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.

Test 7

Repeat everything you say at least 5 times.

Test 8

Go to the local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find to a pre-school child. A full-grown goat is excellent. If you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat.  Buy your weeks groceries without letting the goat(s) out of your sight. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys. Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.

Test 9

  1. Hollow out a melon
  1. Make a small hole in the side
  1. Suspend the melon from the ceiling and swing it side to side
  1. Now get a bowl of soggy cornflakes and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon while pretending to be an airplane.
  1. Continue until half the cornflakes are gone.
  1. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor.
  2. You are now ready to feed a 12-month old child.

Test 10

Learn the names of every character from the Wiggles, Barney, Dora and Disney.

Test 11

Can you stand the mess children make? To find out:

  1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains
  1. Hide a fish behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.
  1. Stick your fingers in the flower beds and then rub them on clean walls.
  1. Cover the stains with crayon.
  1. How does that look?

Test 12

Make a recording of someone shouting “Mommy” repeatedly. Important: no more than a 4 second delay between each Mommy – occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet if required. Play this tape in your car, everywhere you go for the next 4 years. You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.

Test 13

Start talking to an adult of your choice. Have someone else continually tug on your shirt hem or shirt sleeve while playing the Mommy tape listed above. You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there’s a child in the room.

Test 14

Put on your finest work attire. Pick a day on which you have an important meeting.


  1. Take a cup of cream and put 1 cup of lemon juice in it
  1. Stir
  1. Dump half of it on your nice silk shirt
  1. Saturate a towel with the other half of the mixture
  2. Attempt to clean your shirt with the same saturated towel
  1. Do not change, you have no time.
  1. Go directly to work

You are now ready to have kids. ENJOY!!!

Things I shouldn’t find in the washing machine…

swim goggles
Mario head phones
DS pens
DS games
candy wrappers
rubber bands
stick from a sucker
Hot Wheels
nuts (from the trees in the yards)
ink pen

Things I don’t mind finding in the washing machine…



What is the weirdest thing you have ever found in your washing machine?



One Day …

One day my children will be able to pee without soaking the toilet seat.

One day my children will be able to wash their hands without drowning the counter top.

One day my children will be able to hold a conversation without belching or farting.

One day my children will be able to pick up their dirty clothes without being asked.

One day my children will be able to get in the car without making 473,829 trips back into the house for something they forgot.

One day my children will be able to complete a trip to the supermarket without having to pee three times (and then whine the entire trip home that they have to pee again).

One day my children will be able to remember to say please and thank you without being prompted.

One day my children will be able to make a decision in less than sixty minutes.  It’s not that hard to choose between strawberry or grape jelly.

One day my children will be able to keep track of their shoes, and coats, and books, and toothbrushes.

One day my children will be able to hang up their wet towels after showering.

One day my children will be able to remove the empty toilet paper roll and replace it with a new one.

One day my children will be able to throw their trash into the trash can … not next to it.

One day my children will be able to go to sleep without all of the lights in the house on.

One day my children will be all grown up and not need me anymore.  But today is not that day.  Today they still need me.


The culprit has struck again!!

Be on the lookout for the nefarious character “I Don’t Know”. He may be accompanied by his sidekick “Not Me”. Both have apparently struck my home, particularly the bathroom, where they have once again used all of the toilet paper off the roll and failed to replace it.


If you happen upon these two, proceed with extreme caution. Confrontation may cause them to spill their drink or eat the last cookie from your secret stash.

You have been warned.