The Girl

My daughter (The Girl) is growing up to be too much like me.  I am both proud and scared.  Proud because she has an awesome sense of humor.  Scared because it looks like some day she’ll be more sarcastic and daring than I am!!

The other day while we were out shopping and spotted this shirt and INSISTED on buying it.

12570815_10207057345890109_1268831171_n

I love it and would have bought it for myself if I had seen it first!!

 

Then she begged me to buy her this kitten shirt.  So not me.  Way better!!

12571270_10207057346050113_927283612_n

So much awesome in such a little package.  I’m glad she picked me out of all of the possible parents in the world!!

~Jennifer

One Day …

One day my children will be able to pee without soaking the toilet seat.

One day my children will be able to wash their hands without drowning the counter top.

One day my children will be able to hold a conversation without belching or farting.

One day my children will be able to pick up their dirty clothes without being asked.

One day my children will be able to get in the car without making 473,829 trips back into the house for something they forgot.

One day my children will be able to complete a trip to the supermarket without having to pee three times (and then whine the entire trip home that they have to pee again).

One day my children will be able to remember to say please and thank you without being prompted.

One day my children will be able to make a decision in less than sixty minutes.  It’s not that hard to choose between strawberry or grape jelly.

One day my children will be able to keep track of their shoes, and coats, and books, and toothbrushes.

One day my children will be able to hang up their wet towels after showering.

One day my children will be able to remove the empty toilet paper roll and replace it with a new one.

One day my children will be able to throw their trash into the trash can … not next to it.

One day my children will be able to go to sleep without all of the lights in the house on.

One day my children will be all grown up and not need me anymore.  But today is not that day.  Today they still need me.

~Jennifer

Fifty Totally Awesome Perks of Being a Mom

I don’t remember where I found this, but it’s one that I love!  Hope you enjoy it!!

  1. Always have an excuse for being late.
  1. Never have to provide an explanation for what’s smeared on your black pants (because no one really wants to know…).
  1. You’re proficient in doing at least four things at once.
  1. Never pay for hugs (well, most the time).
  1. Be two places at once. Obviously.
  1. Low blood pressure? Never a problem.
  1. “Oh, sorry, I can’t make your [insert lame candle, jewelry, Tupperware, scrap booking, etc.] party — you know, that’s right at bedtime and all …”
  1. Finally know for sure that your parents didn’t know squat.
  1. But also know that knowing squat must be perfectly awesome because you turned out okay.
  1. There’s always someone to fetch the remote control. And sit on your cold feet.
  1. Fear of oversleeping — puh-lease!
  1. “I love you, Mommy.”
  1. That first belly laugh.
  1. There’s always someone to blame.
  1. “Mommy better go through your [insert Halloween, Easter, Valentine] candy alone in the kitchen, and make sure it’s safe.”
  1. You can always find a teen-aged stand-in for just $10/hour.
  1. Inflatable backyard pools!
  1. Win every argument with your husband by saying, “Yeah, but I gave birth.”
  1. Funny Home Videos.
  1. Slip ‘n’ slides.
  1. Nachos for dinner! Again!
  1. Mom blogs.
  1. That first base hit.
  1. Finally, a reason to learn about saber tooth tigers.
  1. Someone’s always happy to see you.
  1. You can and will rise to the occasion, like you always do, because someone might die if you don’t.
  1. There’s always an excuse to eat breakfast for dinner.
  1. Bubbles!
  1. Having a free pass to hang out in classrooms — teeny desks, mini glue bottles, and tiny scissors!
  1. No need to own a mirror when you have a little mini-me who mimics your most horrific behaviors right before your eyes.
  1. Silence just became all the more golden.
  1. Even the worst days at the photographer’s studio can turn into some of your favorite photos.
  1. “Something smells bad in here? Hmm, didn’t notice …”
  1. You can’t be fired, much to their dismay.
  1. Trick or treating!
  1. Early morning snuggling.
  1. The first time they use sarcasm. Correctly.
  1. Video games.
  1. Baby wipes.
  1. Toilet wipes.
  1. Oprah says you’re doing the toughest job in the world (so it’s gotta be true!).
  1. Acorn collecting.
  1. Finally a world where a milkshake can solve every problem.
  1. Justin Bieber.
  1. Total appreciation for the simple things: drive thrus, alone time, weeds that look like flowers.
  1. Relive your childhood — but only the good parts.
  1. You pass a test (of patience, will, strength, etc.) every single day.
  1. Bedtime.
  1. Being missed. Even when you’re just going to the mailbox.
  1. Close your eyes. Think of them. Are you smiling?

What’s your favorite perk about being a mom?

~Jennifer

HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY

I’d like to take a moment to wish every one of you a happy Mother’s Day. This day exists to show appreciation for the woman (or women) who are important in our lives.

She may (or may not) have given birth to you or she may just be the neighbor who gave you a helping hand. She may be your grandmother, your aunt, your sister, or best friend. She may even be a he. The single fathers, grandfathers, and uncles. Brothers, godfathers, and friends. Anyone who may have made an impact on a child’s life, even if it was only with a kind smile in the supermarket.

Today we should celebrate all of the people who work to raise children to be the best person they can be.

To all of you, I wish a very Happy Mother’s Day.

And I thank you.

~Jennifer

Kid Size Jokes

The jokes kids tell have always held a special place in my heart.  It all started nearly 27 years ago when my five-year-old sister came home from school bursting with excitement over a joke she had learned in school.  It was a joke so simple and made me laugh so hard.

What do you call a sleeping bull?  A bull dozer!!

So stinkin’ cute!!

A few days ago on my page The Husband Chronicles, I asked for everyone to share their favorite kid type joke and the response was amazing!  Here they are!!  Enjoy.

•.¸¸.•*´¨`*•.¸¸.•*´¨`*•.¸¸.••.¸¸.•*´¨`*•.¸¸.•*´¨`*•.¸¸.••.¸¸.•*´¨`*•.¸¸.•*´¨`*•.¸¸.••.¸¸.•*´¨`*•.¸¸.•*´¨`*•.¸¸.•

Why do cows have bells?  Because their horns don’t work.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

Why is 6 afraid of 7. because 7, 8 (ate) 9.

Me: Knock Knock.
Kid: Come in.

What do you get when you have 2 green balls in your hand ??? Kermit’s undivided attention.

Two crackers were walking down the street… one was a salted (assaulted).

When do you go at red & stop at green?  When eating watermelon!

Why did the seagull fly over the sea?  Because if he flew over the bay he’d be a bagel.

“Knock Knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Interrupting Cow”
“Interrupting Cow wh…”
“MOOOO!”

What do you call an alligator wearing a vest?  An investigator.

What do you call a cross between an elephant and a rhinoceros?  Elifino (ell if I know)!

What do you get when you put your hand up a ghost butt? A piece of sheet.

What did the digital clock say to his mom?   Look mom no hands!

What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?  Nacho cheese!

What’s purple and smells like paint?  Purple paint.

What bees have milk?  Boobies!

What did the zero say to the eight?  Nice belt.

What do you call a three legged donkey??   A wonkey.

Have you ever smelled moth balls?   How did you get their little legs apart?

What did the triangle say to the circle? Your life is pointless!

What did one burp say to the other burp?  Let’s be little stinkers and go out the other end!

Why did the cookie go to the doctor? Because it felt crummy.

How do you keep a moron in suspense?  I’ll tell you tomorrow…

Pete and Repeat were sitting on a fence Pete fell off who was left?

Knock knock
Whos there?
Little ole lady..
Little ole lady who?…..
I didn’t know you could yodel!

How do you make a tissue dance? You put a lil boogie in it.

Say lettuce and then spell cup.

Why did the lion spit out the clown?  Because it tasted funny!

What do you get if you through butter out of the window?  A Butterfly.

What happens when you throw a clock out of the window?  Time flies.

Why do birds fly south for the winter?  Because it’s too far to walk.

What do you call a fly without wings?  A Walk!

Why did the super hero flush the toilet?  Because it was his duty!

How do you catch a unique rabbit? Unique up on it!  How do you catch a tame rabbit? The tame way.

Knock Knock.
Who’s there?
Cows go.
Cows go who?
No silly cow’s go moo.

Why was the police man in bed?  Because he was an undercover cop!

What did the big flower say to the baby flower?  Hey Bud!

What do you call a lady standing in the middle of a tennis court?  A net (Annette).

Why did the banana go to the doctor? Because he wasn’t peeling well!

That did the slug say to the snail? Big issue.

What do you call a sleeping T-Rex?  A Dino-snore!

Why do golfers always have two gloves?  Because he usually has a hole in one.

What goes up but doesn’t come down?  AGE!

How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it!

How do you tell when a blonde is having a bad hair day? When she’s got a tampon behind her ear and she forgot where she put her pencil.

What is silent and smells like carrots ? Bunny farts.

How do you clean a messy tuba?  With a tuba toothpaste!

Why did the chicken cross the park? To get to the other slide!

What is the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts? Beer nuts cost 3 dollars a bag and deer nuts are under a buck!

How can you tell Ronald McDonald on a nude beach??  He’s the one with the sesame seed buns!!!!

Why did the baby ghost cry? Because the mama ghost whooped his booooooty!

Why wouldn’t the skeleton cross the road?  Because he didn’t have any guts.

Knock, knock.
Whose there?
I eat map.
I eat map who? (When you say it out loud it sounds like “I eat my poo!”)

What’s big, red, and eats rocks? A big red rock eater. What’s big, red, and eats sand?? A big, red rock eater on a diet.

What do you call a girl with one leg shorter than the other???  Eileen.

Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Bear.
Bear who?
Bear bum.

Say hi to your knee. Hiknee!

Look under there. Under where? (Underwear)

Why do melons have to get married in church?  Because they can’t elope!

What is black and white, black and white, black and white? A penguin rolling down a hill.

How do you get to Wales in a car?  One in the front and one in the back.

What do you get when you cross a parrot with a centipede?  A walkie-talkie!

Where do find a tortoise with no legs?  Where you left him!

How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?  Ten tickles.

What do you call a train with a cold?  A choo choo train!

Whats green & turns red at the flick of a switch?  A frog in a blender!!

Why do the crows fly south?  It’s too far to walk

How many birds does it take to carry a basket? Two can (toucan).

What did the dustpan say to the broom? You overswept!!

Are you pt?  No…You’re not potty trained? Yes…you’re a pregnant teacher?

What do you call two bananas? A pair of slippers.  What do you call half a banana? A banana split.

Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Orange.
Orange who?
Orange you glad I didn’t say banana!

What’s black and white a red all over? A newspaper. (Or a skunk in a blender depending on how twisted you are.)

Why did Tigger go down the toilet?  To find Pooh.

Why did the elephant take toilet paper to the party?  Coz he was a party pooper!

Why did the strawberry cry?  Cause his mammy was in a jam.

Did you hear about the magic tractor? It turned in to a field!

Did you see the dog with no nose? No, how does he smell??  Horrible!!

How do turtles communicate? By shellphone.

Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Boo.
Boo who?
Aw don’t cry. It’s only a knock knock joke!

What’s gray and wrinkled and has a trunk?  A little old mouse going on vacation.

Did you hear about the silly man tap dancing?  He fell into the sink.

Did you hear about the silly man ironing his shirt? He burned his chest.

Doctor, doctor, I feel like a spoon!  Sit down there and don’t stir.

Doctor, Doctor, everyone keeps ignoring me!    Next please!

What to you call a pig that does karate?  A pork chop!

Why do bees have sticky hair?  They use honeycombs!

Why does the flamingo lift a leg? If he lifted 2 he would fall on his bum.

What do you call a deer with no eyes?  No idea.

What do you call a cow eating grass? A lawn-mooer.

How do you make a tissue dance?  Put a little boogie in it!

What looks like monkey but smaller?  Baby monkey.

What do you call a fish with no eyes?  A fsh.

A man walked into a bar…. Ouch!

Knock knock!
Who’s there?
Atch
Atch who?
Bless you!

Why do you kiss under a mistletoe?  Because you can’t kiss under a mistlefoot. It will kick you.

Why do fish live in salt water?  Because pepper makes them sneeze.

How do you make friends with a squirrel?  Climb a tree and act like a nut!

•.¸¸.•*´¨`*•.¸¸.•*´¨`*•.¸¸.••.¸¸.•*´¨`*•.¸¸.•*´¨`*•.¸¸.••.¸¸.•*´¨`*•.¸¸.•*´¨`*•.¸¸.••.¸¸.•*´¨`*•.¸¸.•*´¨`*•.¸¸.•

Do you have any kid jokes that you would like to share?  Feel free to leave them in the comments.  I look forward to seeing more!!