IMPORTANT THINGS YOU CAN LEARN FROM KIDS

  1. It’s more fun to color outside the lines.
  1. If you’re gonna draw on the wall, do it behind the couch.
  1. Ask why until you understand.
  1. Hang on tight.
  1. Even if you’ve been fishing for 3 hours and haven’t gotten anything except poison ivy and a sunburn, you’re still better off than the worm.
  1. Make up the rules as you go along.
  1. It doesn’t matter who started it.
  1. Ask for sprinkles.
  1. If the horse you’re drawing looks more like a dog, make it a dog.
  1. Save a place in line for your friends.
  1. Sometimes you have to take the test before you’ve finished studying.
  1. If you want a kitten, start out asking for a horse.
  1. Just keep banging until someone opens the door.
  1. Making your bed is a waste of time.
  1. There is no good reason why clothes have to match.
  1. Even Popeye didn’t eat his spinach until he absolutely had to.
  1. You work so hard pedaling up the hill that you hate to brake on the way down.
  1. You can’t ask to start over just because you’re losing the game.

FOURTEEN SIMPLE TESTS

This is one of my all time favorites … and an oh so accurate a representation!!!


FOLLOW THESE 14 SIMPLE TESTS BEFORE YOU DECIDE TO HAVE CHILDREN

Test 1

Women: to prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag chair down the front. Leave it there for 9 months. After 9 months remove 5% of the beans.

Men: to prepare for paternity, go to a local chemist, tip the contents of your wallet onto the counter and tell the pharmacist to help himself. Then go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office. Go home. Pick up the newspaper and read it for the last time.

Test 2

Find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels and how they have allowed their children to run wild. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child’s sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners and overall behavior. Enjoy it. It will be the last time in your life that you will have all the answers.

Test 3

To discover how the nights will feels:

  1. Walk around the living room from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 12 lbs, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly.
  1. At 10pm, put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight and go to sleep.
  1. Get up at 12pm and walk the bag around the living room until 1am.
  1. Set the alarm for 3am.
  1. As you can’t get back to sleep, get up at 2am and make a cup of coffee.
  1. Go to bed at 2.45am.
  1. Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off.
  1. Sing songs in the dark until 4am.
  1. Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up when it goes off.
  1. Make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years.

LOOK CHEERFUL.

Test 4

Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems:

  1. Buy a live octopus and a string bag.
  1. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that no arms hang out.
  1. Time allowed for this: 5 minutes.

Test 5

Forget the BMW and buy a practical 5 door wagon. And don’t think that you can leave it out on the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don’t look like that.

  1. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment.
  1. Leave it there.
  1. Get a coin. Insert it into the CD player.
  1. Take a box of chocolate cookies; mash them into the back seat.
  1. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.

Test 6

Get ready to go out

  1. Wait
  1. Go out the front door
  1. Come back in again
  1. Go out
  1. Come back in again
  1. Go out again
  1. Walk down the front path
  2. Walk back up it
  1. Walk down it again
  1. Walk very slowly down the road for five minutes.
  1. Stop, inspect minutely and ask at least 6 questions about every piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect along the way.
  1. Retrace your steps
  1. Scream that you have had as much as you can stand until the neighbors come out and stare at you.
  1. Give up and go back into the house.
  1. You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.

Test 7

Repeat everything you say at least 5 times.

Test 8

Go to the local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find to a pre-school child. A full-grown goat is excellent. If you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat.  Buy your weeks groceries without letting the goat(s) out of your sight. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys. Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.

Test 9

  1. Hollow out a melon
  1. Make a small hole in the side
  1. Suspend the melon from the ceiling and swing it side to side
  1. Now get a bowl of soggy cornflakes and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon while pretending to be an airplane.
  1. Continue until half the cornflakes are gone.
  1. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor.
  2. You are now ready to feed a 12-month old child.

Test 10

Learn the names of every character from the Wiggles, Barney, Dora and Disney.

Test 11

Can you stand the mess children make? To find out:

  1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains
  1. Hide a fish behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.
  1. Stick your fingers in the flower beds and then rub them on clean walls.
  1. Cover the stains with crayon.
  1. How does that look?

Test 12

Make a recording of someone shouting “Mommy” repeatedly. Important: no more than a 4 second delay between each Mommy – occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet if required. Play this tape in your car, everywhere you go for the next 4 years. You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.

Test 13

Start talking to an adult of your choice. Have someone else continually tug on your shirt hem or shirt sleeve while playing the Mommy tape listed above. You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there’s a child in the room.

Test 14

Put on your finest work attire. Pick a day on which you have an important meeting.

Now:

  1. Take a cup of cream and put 1 cup of lemon juice in it
  1. Stir
  1. Dump half of it on your nice silk shirt
  1. Saturate a towel with the other half of the mixture
  2. Attempt to clean your shirt with the same saturated towel
  1. Do not change, you have no time.
  1. Go directly to work

You are now ready to have kids. ENJOY!!!

Twenty Seven Days

Twenty seven days until I don’t have to listen to anyone whine that they forgot something at home.

Twenty seven days until I don’t have to listen to anyone fight over absolutely nothing.

Twenty seven days until I don’t have to hear pleas for ice cream and snacks.

Twenty seven days until I don’t have someone asking for my last sip of water.

Twenty seven days until I don’t have to worry about crumbs on the floor.

Twenty seven days until I don’t have to wonder what that strange smells is.

Twenty seven days until I don’t have to enforce the “no farting in the car” rule.

Twenty seven days until I get to listen to whatever I want on the radio.

Twenty seven days until I can drive with the windows up or down.

Twenty seven days until I can have the air conditioner (or heater) up as high as I want.

Twenty seven days until I get my car back.

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Twenty seven days until the first day of school.

~Jennifer

Bring Your Own Cow?

We stopped for dinner the other night at the local Chick-fil-A.  As we were eating we noticed the sign for their “cow appreciation day”.  As we were discussing this, one of the employees come over and joined our conversation.

Chick-fil-A Employee: If you come all dressed up as a cow, you get your entire meal free!  If you just come wearing cow ears or something like that, you get a free sandwich!!

The Boy:  What if you BRING a cow?!?!

Chick-fil-A Employee:  (slightly stunned by this question)  Umm… I guess I’d have to ask my boss about that!

That’s my boy!!!  Confusing adults for over 10 years!!

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~Jennifer