Think Twice

Just want to get a little something off my chest. Please, bear with me here.

I grew up in a broken family. The only constant I had was my younger sister and sometimes I didn’t even have that.

My mother grew up in the same kind of home except her brother and sisters were rarely there for her. You would think that her having no one would make her more sensitive to my feelings, but it didn’t.

When I was 10, I decided that I didn’t want to live in her home where she went out every night and I was the babysitter and maid. I moved in with my dad where I had a more stable home. My sister bounced back and forth between our two parents for the next 12 years.

I thought until recently my sister and I were close. I was wrong.

Seven weeks ago my mother passed away. She hadn’t talked to me in almost 9 years (her choice) and I hadn’t seen her in person in almost 19 years (also her choice). My sister called me to tell me that mom had passed. She never called back with any of the details and I was not given the chance to attend the funeral 2000 miles away.

Today I Googled my mothers name hoping to find her obituary. I’m not sure what I was looking for. Maybe something that made me feel like she cared a little or that maybe that part of my family cared. I didn’t realize how bad it would hurt to see my sister’s name and my two step-siblings names, but not my own name in that obituary. I was completely left out of it. My three children were included, but there was no mention of her eldest daughter, me.

I tried for over 30 years to be included in her life and she never let me in. I do know the reason why she was like that and I wished she could have let her resentment toward me go and at least meet her grandchildren. These three kids will never meet their grandmother. Never get to know her. Never know the person I called Mom. And this makes me the most sad.

Please. If you are harboring any animosity toward someone in your life take some time to really think about why. Why are you angry? Why are you resentful? Why do you hate? Is it over something stupid? Something trivial? Something that can be forgiven? Not everything can be forgotten, but maybe enough can be forgiven to not deprive the next generation of their heritage, their family.